Thursday, January 7, 2010
{ 4:44 AM }
It's a long post, so just bear with it. :]
We learn something new every day, don't we.
At the beginning of this year, i prayed to God that 2010 would be a year of change for me.
I wanted to have more confidence in what i do, and not be embarrassed so easily.
Recently, i was talking to a friend, who couldn't change his ways, and he was so frustrated.
After talking to him, it got me thinking.
So I asked myself "Am i worthy of giving him such advice? Who am I to give him such advice when I myself don't follow what I say? I haven't taken a step in change"
Thanks, senior. :]
But today I will, cause it's never too late to start.
Today something happened, and though i found it a small matter, it wasn't so to someone else.
That especially got me thinking about my life, it got me thinking about what i'm doing. It got me thinking about my new year resolution, and what i'm doing at all to acheive that. & suddenly a verse in the bible came into my head, and I realised, it's time for me to take my step of change.
Today, I wanna share with y'all what happened.
In the bus on the way to a polytechnic for a school visit,
I borrowed Afiqah's phone.
My genius idea of a joke was to switch my name in the contact list with a teacher's (I won't state her name),
and play a prank by sms-ing her, see her reply. Then tell her, It was me and i meant it as a joke.
What started of as an innocent prank came off totally wrong.
It was too big a prank, i went too far.
I'm not ashamed to admit my fault, because i know where i went wrong and why.
But more importantly, i understand that no one is perfect, and I make mistakes too.
This was a prank Afiqah herself once played on Destin, i believed she herself would be able to take a joke she played on someone else, maybe i thought from my perspective, cause I knew I would not have gotten angry..
But every person is different, and no one is to blame.
So i sms-ed her this "i'm very disappointed in the way you planned for the CCA open house"
Her response was "F*** sia" & celeste realised she was angry.
I quickly sms-ed her that i was kidding, and she simply replied "That's mean." when celeste grabbed her to hold her back from shifting to take a seat elsewhere on the bus.
We sms-ed her to apologise, but received no reply.
She was smiling, and i didn't realise she was angry.
I only realised she was serious later on at the polytechnic when she totally ignored us.
No matter how Celeste literally begged her to not be angry, she shook it off and continued to talk to her friends as if Celeste were invisible.
Back at school, celeste tried again yet to no avail. She panicked and kept begging till she broke down in tears. Afiqah said she forgave Celeste, but it would take some time. What more did we want from her.
I asked Celeste why she cried, and she told me the friendship means alot to her.
Me? I honestly simply didn't even try to beg her for her forgiveness. I didn't even apologise a second time. Instead i was starting to feel upset, and i didn't understand why.
& That's exactly what got me thinking.
I said rudely that she was overreacting and i didn't understand why a small joke got her so worked up.
She said that I didn't understand the pressure that was put on her during the event, so i had no right to assume. That was true, and i sincerely apologise for that.
This is what i want to say to afiqah, so i hope you read it, dear.
Fiqah, I treasure our friendship.
It's not that i don't feel apologetic, i really do.
But i also have to say frankly I was upset.
I was upset because I saw you push away someone's care and concern.
I didn't understand why It was so hard for you to forgive.
But I now know how much that situation meant to you.
Pressure? Don't get me started, i have my fair share, i do empathize your position.
Nevertheless, different people can handle different amounts of pressure, that's something no one can control. & i know that too. Yet i was rude, and so i apologise once again.
I wanted to ask you "If you treasure her friendship enough, learn to forgive & forget"
but i know it's easier said than done, so i won't push you.
I'll be very honest here, cause i think it's nothing to hide.
When i'm assigned a task like that, i think it an honour that comes with the power.
& with great power comes great responsibility. I just feel that if you're half-heartedly doing it,
you might as well just not. If you really treat it as an honour, but the pressure's too much to handle, that's why CCAs have VCPs and CPs. You're a team and you work together to share the load, don't take it alone. You'll be overwhelmed by the amount of pressure and work.
As a friend, I'd honestly want to tell you: Please treasure what you have, don't just cherish them.
When I was thinking, I realised a lot of things.
I was putting myself in Afiqah's shoes, but just in her position, not as Afiqah herself.
I wasn't upset because of what happened. I was upset she wasn't sincere in forgiving Celeste. I felt that meant she didn't treasure the friendship enough.
Dear, i know Celeste means a lot to you. So that's why I'm telling you all this and being very honest.
When I compared it with my life, I said to myself "If i were you, I wouldn't be pissed."
Do you wanna know why, dear?
I don't know if you realised, but you're soo soo very fortunate.
Allow me to illustrate.
You have a loving Clique, people who would always be there for you, always hang around you.
Your bubbly personality gets you acquaintances fast, and your trustworthy nature gets you friends.
Apart from your clique, you have amazing friends like Celeste, who would beg for your forgiveness because the friendship between you two means just THAT much to her. She doesn't need an end to the friendship to break down, cause she doesn't even want you to be angry at her for a split second.
Being thick-skinned, I'm asking you.. For a second please put yourself in my shoes..
It's not that i'm great, neither is it that i want sympathy or pity.
I'm just being honest and frank.
My life.
I have many acquaintances, yet very few who are really friends.
I'm so busy with council work and helping the school, I don't have time for my clique and i drifted from them. I don't even have time for friends.
My family? My relationship with them isn't great. at all. And I also have financial difficulties.
So.. friends? Clique? family? You name it, you have it. Yet, you don't seem to treasure it that much..
I'm not jealous, cause I'm very content with what I have.
I just don't want you to lose what you have out of anger.
Look.. It's my fault, and my idea. I sincerely want you to not ignore Celeste, cause you don't know how much it hurts her. You really don't..
Finally, i wanna say that I really am sorry. Your friendship means the world to me & i don't want you to be pissed with me. I'm sorry if i hurt you, but you know I have never had any intentions to.
Nevertheless, an apology is all I can offer. Whether you forgive and move on or just choose to hold the grudge, that's entirely up to you. Like i said, I won't push you.
So I sincerely apologise for what happened today, and yes, it's on facebook for all to see.
You can be very upset about what i said, and the attitude i seem to be giving you with this post, but i mean it with all my heart and soul.
I sincerely also want you to not be pissed with Celeste and not ignore her.
Perhaps to you, she's just 1 of your many friends.
but to me, every friend I have, especially if they want so badly to stay by my side, means really so much to me.
So please, treasure her. Cause trust me, It's a friendship worth to keep.
Love you, babe. I'm sorry.
A verse from the bible came to my mind. and it was "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid" So please, if I'm wrong in saying any of the above of things to come, correct me. because i want to learn to love correction, for every one of it is a chance to learn. And from learning, i grow stronger.
The most beautiful word next to "love" & "us", is "forgive".
I don't know about you, but to me, "forgive" is such a powerful word. It means just as much as "love" and "sincerity". So don't say it if you don't mean it, because it'll just become a habit and lose it's meaning. People say "love is blind". To truly forgive is to no longer hold such anger and a grudge towards someone, because you love and treasure that person so much. Forgiveness. It isn't just a word, or just a formality. it goes so much further than that. It's a skill, and an art inculcated in you when God created you. I only wished the world saw it the same way. It's neither a casual word nor a joke, for with forgiveness, there would be 70% less hatred, anger, frustration, grudges and hence 90% less war in the world.
So you see, forgiveness is a powerful word, and a major key in peace between anyone and everyone.
To me, i think every forgiving person makes a difference in the world.
So how about you? Would you start making that difference and think the same?
& think about it, for those you hold a grudge against at this point of time, even Fiqah, if you are one. Did you.. really, truly, sincerely.. forgive them out of love? or was it just a formality? If it was a casual comment, I sincerely hope you think about it.. and reconsider. We are all human, and no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, even yourself. Don't drag it so please don't say "I'll forgive them tomorrow", because forgiving truly makes that big amount of a difference to someone and everyone. You really don't know what will happen tomorrow. Live every day as if it were your last. :)
That's all I had to say. :)
